Imagine

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!
Never this in my day . . .

We have witnessed the health care debacle that has taken place in the House and the Senate. One cannot help but lament the complete lack of honorable character displayed by these members of Congress. Imagine what kind of country the Founding Fathers would have created if they were of like character and had behaved in a similar fashion when they gathered at the Constitutional Convention in 1787. One could imagine the proceedings would have been such as this:

John Langdon (New Hampshire delegate): Because the citizens of Pennsylvania are many, and our count is few in number by comparison, I motion that the citizenry from the great State of Pennsylvania be required to annually contribute one percent of their income to the treasury of New Hampshire to promote the general welfare of our citizenry, and that this income redistribution design be adopted into article eight of this proposed constitution.

Robert Morris (Pennsylvania delegate): Mr. Langdon, have you properly considered that it may not be the lack of population density that afflicts the general welfare of your fellow citizens, but rather their idle propensity? Why do you and your colleague, Mr. Gilman, arrive late, two months already into these proceedings, and then propose to take advantage of our industry?

John Langdon: Mr. Morris, I take offense to your suggestion that the citizens of New Hampshire are slothful. To the contrary, we are no less industrious than Pennsylvanians. But shall our representation in this new government suffer merely because your men are better skilled in the art of copulation and your women are all too accommodating? Shall our voices be heard in fewer numbers in this congress simply because we are more virtuous?

Jacob Broom (Delaware delegate): Mr. President, if I may.

George Washington (Virginia delegate and acting president of the convention): Yes, Mr. Broom, you may proceed.

Jacob Broom: I have traveled throughout Pennsylvania many times, and I have found their women to be most obliging, perhaps rivaled only by those from New York. The problem is that Pennsylvanians rely on an inferior grade of animal gut used in the manufacture of their condoms. Our manufacturing houses in Delaware are the epitome of modernization, and our ranchers cultivate a superior grade of sheep gut used to craft the finest product. I second the motion of my distinguished colleague, Mr. Langdon, provided we have a provision in the constitution that provides for subsidies to our sheep farmers in Delaware and that the government purchase and distribute our condoms throughout the educational systems. Is there no better place to teach morality and responsibility to our progeny than in our schools?

Nathaniel Gorham (Massachusetts delegate): Excuse me, Mr. President. I am well familiar with the Delaware devices, and although the quality is much improved, they do have on occasion the unpleasant inclination to break; objectionable in the respect that I have women in every port on the eastern seaboard harassing me for perpetual payment in support of these little bastard children who have the misfortune of being born unto women of dubious character. Our medical practices in Massachusetts are among the finest in the confederation. I second the motion of my colleague from Delaware, provided we have a provision in the constitution that collects taxes to fund the establishment and perpetual operation of facilities in Massachusetts dedicated to fetal life termination and scientific by-product research.

William Blount (North Carolina delegate): Good, God, Mr. Gorham! Have you lost all capacity for sanity? This is blasphemy!

John Rutledge (South Carolina delegate): Mr. Blount, why show you such indignation at the well-reasoned motion of our colleague, Mr. Gorham? Do you not see the soundness of his analysis? First, we must consider that jobs would be created in Massachusetts; useful employment that would provide its citizens with the coin needed to trade amongst our here represented states. Second, because of the scientific component to the funding, these persons could be in the employ of the government, and thus ensure a permanent voting bloc of citizenry needed to perpetuate our government institutions.

John Blair (Virginia delegate): I concur, Mr. Rutledge. And we must also consider the harmful consequences associated with this proposed constitution that denies our respective states the right to import African slaves after the year 1805. Where hence shall we get the necessary labor for our industry? I second the motion of Mr. Gorham, provided we have a provision in the constitution that provides tax subsidies to the treasury of Virginia for the establishment and perpetual operation of orphanages to feed and house those fugitives from the scientific laboratories in Massachusetts. Is there no better place to secure the future labor needed to fund our government largesse than from the ranks of the unwanted? What fear have we of voters not yet conceived?

George Washington: Scribe, have you captured all of these motions for consideration?

Scribe: Yes, Mr. President, I believe so.

Roger Sherman (Connecticut delegate): Excuse me, Mr. President, but I have a point of order. These proceedings are not equitable; I didn’t get anything for the citizens of Connecticut!

George Washington: Very well, Mr. Sherman. Your point of order is noted. I have my trusted white stallion, Nelson, stabled at Mr. Hopkins’s livery. As you know, Nelson was with me throughout the campaigns against the British, and as such, a certain amount of nobility and fame have accrued to his benefit. I shall let you ride Nelson to and from City Tavern this evening if you support these motions.

Roger Sherman: Thank you, Mr. President. I would consider it an honor to cast my vote endorsing these provisions that benefit our citizens and our nation in general. You have my full support.

Benjamin Franklin (Pennsylvania delegate): Gentlemen, have you forgotten the purpose for our gathering and debate? We are here for a constitution, not to curry favor for ourselves and our constituents.

Jonathan Dayton (New Jersey delegate): The constitution—what the hell does that have to do with anything?

All delegates in unison: Yeah, what does the constitution have to do with anything?

Benjamin Franklin (quoting from this speech at the convention): In the beginning of the contest with Great Britain, when we were sensible of dangers, we had daily prayer in this room for the divine protection. Our prayers, sir, were heard, and they were graciously answered. All of us who were engaged in the struggle must have observed frequent instances of a superintending Providence in our favor. To that kind Providence we owe this happy opportunity of consulting in peace on the means of establishing our future national felicity. And have we now forgotten that powerful Friend? Or do we imagine that we no longer need his assistance?

I have lived, sir, a long time, and, the longer I live, the more convincing proofs I see of this truth—that God governs in the affairs of men. And if a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without his notice, is it probable that an empire can rise without his aid? We have been assured, sir, in the sacred writings, that “Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it.” I firmly believe this; and I also believe that without his concurring aid we shall succeed in this political building no better, than the Builders of Babel: We shall be divided by our little partial local interests; our projects will be confounded, and we ourselves shall become a reproach and bye word down to future ages . . . .

§

Thank you, Mr. Franklin, for these enduring words of wisdom. We are many who are grateful that you and your contemporaries were men of sound character. It is hard to imagine what nation might have been created if the founders were men of character such as we find in Washington today.

We are many who shall do as you begged leave to move in your message to the convention of 1787—we shall implore the Heavens to purge the evils of the blatantly corrupt and oppressive government that has become Washington. We have not witnessed, as pundits would have us believe, the normal process by which laws are made. Rather, the Heavens have held up a mirror to show us the degenerate government that Washington has become.

Instead of despair, we shall beseech the Heavens to send laborers to rebuild our federal government and return it to those principles enshrined in our founding documents. Imagine that!